When faith turns to hope

 “Best places for single parents to live”

“Best jobs for a single mother to have”

“Jobs that pay well with just a certificate”

I’m in the hole again

Googling everything that comes to mind with the potential to bring me guidance

“How to make an extra $1,000 a month”

“How to make extra money in a way that suits me”

It's familiar here

I dug this hole myself and I visit frequently furnishing her piece by piece 

Sitting on the line of my life unsure of which direction will lead to fulfillment  

The difference between faith and hope becoming blurry 

“Faith; complete trust or confidence in something”

“Hope; A feeling of expectation and desire for something to happen”

Was it wrong of me to have faith that with the right intentions, hard work and dedication life would fall into place?

Or was I blinded by the hope that overtime the things that kept my mother and I bound to poverty would release me  

I hoped that her burdens would not become mine 

I had faith that I could do better, I could be more 

Faith that is slowly crumbling into hope 

I didn’t know the world would leave deep bruises on such a fragile child 

Or that my mind would feel the pressure of my past just as strongly as my present 

That little girl full of faith had no idea the toll her past would take on the women I have become 

She didn’t know her pain would live on in me for many years to come 

So i’ll crawl back to my hole where it is safe, paralyzed by the decisions to come