Blooming flower

  This body has been beaten and bruised  Cursed and ridiculed  laughed at and critiqued underfed and overworked  overfed and underappreciated This body has been told more than enough to stick that it does not belong  That it is not enough  That it is too much  This body has learned to feel threatened by the presence of others  This body has been taught pain  How do I begin to search for peace in a space that has never known it? How can I ask this body for the love it has never been shown?

 

 

  My spirit is free, she is who she wishes to be and I will never fucking apologize for her again

Face to face  the mixture of our breath raising tension  I wonder how we can be so close and so far away at one moment in time  These are the moments we do not share  Our temporary passion stowed away in a small pocket handpicked and measured by you to the sound of my heart on your sleeve 

  I'm looking forward to a better future. I'm looking forward to putting myself first. I am hanging on for a future I know I deserve but continue to push away. I am looking for myself. You don't know her, but neither do i. She is waiting for her truth to be heard, she is waiting to feel safe in her home, in my body. She is waiting for me to have no strings attached with the expression of my soul. She is waiting for me to stop pushing her under the rug at the call of my name by another's mouth. She is waiting for me to stand up straight and yell my name to the universe because i am here. She is waiting for a time when she speaks and finally all of the words come out. She is waiting for me, And I, am waiting for her

Out of touch with reality and on the rim of destruction  Building an empire on self love may have been an easier path  Now is not a time to plan an escape but a chance to accept a better future  You can fill the cracks in my heart and break the illusions of my mind  but I alone must break the cycles of my past I fear that I may tear you apart and leave nothing left but the broken perception of a women you once loved 

   I gave myself a pep talk of self love and acceptance. It felt good to look into the mirror and know that I am beautiful. That I am worthy of everything i want and i have everything I need to get there. I don't get moments like this often. My mind knows how to beat me down but it is MY mind and I need to take control. This body has been through hell and back, so yeah, it's gonna look like it has a few extra miles on it. When I have these little moments of peace with myself I tend to ruin it. I get overzealous and indulge in things I know will make me feel awful. I need to learn how to be comfortable in moments of self love without raining on my own parade. There used to be a line of people who would rain on it for me but for quite sometime it's been a storm of one. My storm, so it's time I let the clouds dry up and walk back home. 

Materializing between the spaces in time  Formed within an empty room and bound to a source of energy Assuring the creation of something yet to come Resurfacing a feeling of hope and promising a temple of perfection  Allowing you to fight with an unknown power Fighting for the chance to create your own reality 

  I have avoided writing about you because I don't know where to start. I don't know which version of you I need to let go first. The most likely answer is the version of you that I still love. How I can continue to love a man who commits such cynical acts is beyond me. The things you have done form a knot in my stomach the size of your fist and makes my throat swell up. You live your life just as any other person but not just any person has the past that you do. You have the power to chew up and spit out women as an Olympic sport. You have the power to leave my insides cowering in a corner too afraid to make a move. You have the power to turn my heart against me and put my mind at war. You have the power to create your own version of events, in confidence that your story will be heard first. You have the power to erase the person I was to you and manifest her new, a perfect reflection of your perfect disaster.  And still I love you  I love you  I love you  Or at least I loved

I told you I loved you and wished you well; up until the very last day  I left you with a smile on my face  You loved me still, but would never say the words; You always felt your pain was the worst  You left me in silence not knowing how it hurt; When those unspoken words began to burn 

  Numbingly outnumbered in this world of easy prediction  Harboring a soul too heavy for the average heart to care for  Wandering  Not lost  But searching for a place to call home 

 

  I am strong but I am broken  Though I rarely run out of pieces to break  Too many times I have stood tall in the pit of my breaking point  Lightly gripping the edge before f alling in slow motion  I soak my soul in written words Dripping letters into the fine lines of my brain  An easy escape for a time filled with pain

  Held prisoner within my mind with haunting yet exhilarating thoughts of you My brain a jumbled mess of yours and my own I've never held on this tightly, though letting go has never been my strong suit  I reminisce less often these days; Frequency having been replaced by intensity I know I am only breaking down a wall that has been beaten endlessly, covered in abrasions  I am frantically searching for words to make sense of my recently disguised despair  It's not a lack of happiness, no It's an excess of spiritual need with no promise of relief Leading a life by the demands of those with the illusion of authority Filing into a long line and awaiting my external captivation 

 

I have given more than I have ever owned; Mind, Body, and Soul Doubt lies within my efforts, Doubt in the worth of my kindness Spreading myself thin in order to fill the empty spaces Harboring the worry that I ask of too much from this world Will the deep care that I have shared be reciprocated? Or have I exaggerated the intent of my actions? I have given every last inch of myself in the search for the feeling of belonging, I must be too far gone

Hallowed out sorrow drained day by day  Our vitality is intertwined with an array of endless colors and accompanied by madness It runs down our frames like hot wax lit by the god of passion themselves Filling in each and every crack on our skin The day the sun stops rising for us will be the day we look down upon the mass destruction we have created Reforming the construction of mankind in the eyes of mercy  We will be better in union, simultaneously freeing our souls  

 

 Analyzing the words as I speak Years of unheard hurt and resilience scarcely piled up on the verge of tipping, Waiting for a chance to be felt in full. They live in a box with holes through the top to let the air in, leaving no room for expression. 

There is irony in your sad eyes  Empty promises leave your mouth drooling with sideways truths  The one you tore your heart out for would never sew it shut Still, you sit in regretful self pity with a mask over your face, mourning a loss that was always sure to come  Ripping your flower from her neglected soil, destroying the foundation from the roots of the one you once loved Blind to the true pain you have caused, with not a glimmer of empathy  

 

Like a raisin in the sun I have shriveled into a shell of myself Frail walls round the corners of my mind, there is no where to run on the inside, only endless battles to be fought  I am working hard to keep my inveterate illusions from surfacing Telling stories that were never meant to be told  I have told them they no longer have a place, but my fight will never be over As long as my memories are in place